I'm off work today. It's beautiful outside. The sun is shining, the breeze is cool and crisp. I've had all day to do anything I want. I feel like I've wasted most of the day away though, as I'm feeling so sleepy. I'm not the type to usually nap, but thats honestly what I've been doing today. Napping, and thinking.... Thinking about so many things. My mind just never seems to stop. This book would literally just write itself if I could just connect some electrodes to my brain and just keep thinking, LOL.
Mostly I've been thinking about my relationships right now. I'm feeling so many things. On the one hand I'm feeling elated for the love and affection in my life, but on the other I'm also feeling torn. I want this book to be honest, and I want to write everything I'm feeling down, but part of me is still scared because my dear Jim reads my entries as I go along...................and I never want to hurt him. I find myself daydreaming a lot about others at times...especially one person in particuliar. I'm even starting to doubt my ability to love more than one person at a time, without compromising my relationship with my primary partner. I'm wondering if maybe its a romantic notion, but in reality not attainable or sustainable.
The feelings I'm having are really troubling me. I have felt in the past with my other lovers that I could objectively keep things clear in my mind without crossing any personal boundries........................but not this time. My feelings for this person are different. I feel like I've known him forever, maybe even been with him in another lifetime.
As much as I love my Jim, and love the life we have built together, I find myself fantisizing about spending time with my other love.......maybe going away together for a time even. Maybe I'm just being silly, I don't know. All I know is that my feelings are real. A part of me wants these feelings to go away, and another part of me doesn't ....I'm so torn. And the worst part is that deep inside, I know these feelings are only going to grow into something bigger, and when that happens I will have address them seriously.
I hope your not thinking I am a terrible person. Because I'm really not. I just love too much for my own good. And honestly, I'm thinking that when you open your heart up to others , you are really vulnerable to connecting with them on a deeper level than you may have originally intended......Maybe even to the point of finding a soulmate that once your re-connected with, you can never again bear to be away from.
I just have to trust in the love of the goddess and listen to my inner voice. I am going to follow my heart. I can't emotionally shut down now. I've come so far. And I can't stop sharing with you......I feel it is one of my life purposes to share everything I am going through with you , no matter how painful.
Today, I am feeling a pain in my heart........almost like its bleeding. I don't know what to write , I just want to cry....
Maya
