for Camelot.......

I've had a chance to reflect on everything I felt yesterday. I have to accept that my feelings are valid and real. I know it is impossible to dismiss them.

I actually shared my journal with Jim last evening and he seriously shared his feelings on the situation I'm in, and also what his boundries are. If I'm to be honest, Jim actually suggested us parting if that is what I truely wanted.......

You see, that is not what I want at all. Maybe I just need him to express his boundries to me more often...maybe I need him to help me keep my priorities and feelings in balance.

I even suggested to him that I retreat and give up my other 'love', and just concentrate on the two of us, but that is not what he feels will solve things. He feels that it's because of the freedom of our relationship that I have become the person that I am. He feels that my only problem is that I tend to give to much of myself to others, thereby causing myself grief, and also disturbing the delicate balance of our life. I need to give the most of my love and attention to my life here. I can care deeply for another, but only if it does not disturb the balance with Jim. If the balance is disturbed, then it puts everything we have built together at risk................ and that is something I'd never want to do.

I feel so much better today since we talked about everything. We have no secrets, and I want to keep it that way. He knows how deep my feelings are for my special friend and says he is genuinely alright with it as long as I can keep things in perspective. That perspective being that my life is here with Jim and the children, and my loyalties lie with them.

We both agreed that giving up my other relationship is not going to solve anything, because feelings will not just disappear......What I must do is find a special place in my heart that is just for my special friend. But I must not let it overshadow the rest of my life that I have created here. So I think its balance that I must work on. I never intended to connect with another person the way I have with my friend, and so I am on uncharted waters with my emotions and how to fit into his life, and how he should fit into mine. The one thing I know is that I don't want him to leave my life........it would be a loss that would be so hard to bear because I truely believe he is one of my soulmates in this life.

So Today, I'm looking at the wonderful life that I have created with my Jim. I have perhaps taken my freedoms for granted...and I'm so sorry. I hope that when Jim reads this he realizes that he will always be my King................. for Without him, there is no Camelot.

...........Theres no love, like your love.

Maya

Bleed to love you.......

I'm off work today. It's beautiful outside. The sun is shining, the breeze is cool and crisp. I've had all day to do anything I want. I feel like I've wasted most of the day away though, as I'm feeling so sleepy. I'm not the type to usually nap, but thats honestly what I've been doing today. Napping, and thinking.... Thinking about so many things. My mind just never seems to stop. This book would literally just write itself if I could just connect some electrodes to my brain and just keep thinking, LOL.

Mostly I've been thinking about my relationships right now. I'm feeling so many things. On the one hand I'm feeling elated for the love and affection in my life, but on the other I'm also feeling torn. I want this book to be honest, and I want to write everything I'm feeling down, but part of me is still scared because my dear Jim reads my entries as I go along...................and I never want to hurt him. I find myself daydreaming a lot about others at times...especially one person in particuliar. I'm even starting to doubt my ability to love more than one person at a time, without compromising my relationship with my primary partner. I'm wondering if maybe its a romantic notion, but in reality not attainable or sustainable.

The feelings I'm having are really troubling me. I have felt in the past with my other lovers that I could objectively keep things clear in my mind without crossing any personal boundries........................but not this time. My feelings for this person are different. I feel like I've known him forever, maybe even been with him in another lifetime.

As much as I love my Jim, and love the life we have built together, I find myself fantisizing about spending time with my other love.......maybe going away together for a time even. Maybe I'm just being silly, I don't know. All I know is that my feelings are real. A part of me wants these feelings to go away, and another part of me doesn't ....I'm so torn. And the worst part is that deep inside, I know these feelings are only going to grow into something bigger, and when that happens I will have address them seriously.

I hope your not thinking I am a terrible person. Because I'm really not. I just love too much for my own good. And honestly, I'm thinking that when you open your heart up to others , you are really vulnerable to connecting with them on a deeper level than you may have originally intended......Maybe even to the point of finding a soulmate that once your re-connected with, you can never again bear to be away from.

I just have to trust in the love of the goddess and listen to my inner voice. I am going to follow my heart. I can't emotionally shut down now. I've come so far. And I can't stop sharing with you......I feel it is one of my life purposes to share everything I am going through with you , no matter how painful.

Today, I am feeling a pain in my heart........almost like its bleeding. I don't know what to write , I just want to cry....

Maya

Sailing takes me away....

I'm thinking so many things right now. As each days passes by, so do the experiences I'm having in my life. I know that reading my journals is sometimes like a roller coaster ride.....one day I'm up and the next day I'm down. But that just seems to go with the territory with me for so many different reasons like the ones I've already shared with you in earlier journals.

I wanted to write to you this morning to share my contentment this morning. One of my close friends came to visit me last evening. It was the most magical evening . He is such a loving soul. His touch is so gentle. His warmth fills me.

My mind drifts off to far off places with him.............perhaps in another lifetime together. He feels so natural to be with, kinda like we are made of the same substance. I completely melt into him. Even trying to write down my feelings here is difficult because I feel that sometimes there are no words to match my feelings and emotions. No words would be able to express the bliss I feel. Even when we just hold each other, he says so many things to me without saying a word...

I am truely blessed to have so much love in my life. If I was to die today, I could not complain. I've had more love in my 40 years than some people have in a lifetime. For me, nothing equals the feeling of being loved, and being able to connect with someone in that special 'place'. Making love for me is the most spiritual thing in the world. I feel that I am so close to the source of 'all'. I've been blessed to have found loves in my life that can share that experience with me. I believe that you must truly be with one of your soulmates to experience the kind of sensuality I have been able to have. I'm so thankful...............

In saying all this today, I hope that when my friend reads my journal, he realizes how special he is to me in so many ways. I truely think he is a wonderful person and I thank the heavens above to sending him into my life. He fills my heart with love and light.

All I ever need to do to be with him is to close my eyes and listen to one of my favorite songs that I dedicate to him...............Sailing (by Christopher Cross). And we sail away to never never land together in a dream......

It's not far down to paradise

At least it's not for me

And if the wind is right you can sail away

And find tranquility

The canvas can do miracles

Just you wait and see

Believe me

It's not far to never never land

No reason to pretend

And if the wind is right you can find the joy

Of innocence again

The canvas can do miracles

Just you wait and see

Believe me

SailingTakes me away

To where I've always heard it could be

Just a dream and the wind to carry me

And soon I will be free

FantasyIt gets the best of me

When I'm sailing

All caught up in the reverie

Every word is a symphony

Won't you believe me

It's not far back to sanity

At least it's not for me

And when the wind is right you can sail away

And find serenity

The canvas can do miracles

Just you wait and seeBelieve me......

The Path back to you.....

For Jim,

I have experienced so much in my life so far.

and it always leads me to the path back to you.

I have learned many new things from books and curiosity.

and it always leads to the path back to you.

You've given me freedom to grow and discover all the world has to offer.

and it always leads to the path back to you.

I've searched for meaning in my life in the heavens and on the earth.

and it always leads me to the path back to you.

I've looked for love and acceptance from others on my journey.

and it always leads me to the path back to you.

I've shared my love with others.

and it always leads me to the path back to you.

You are my Sun.

You are my Moon.

You are the brightest star.

Your voice is the whispering wind in my ears.

Your arms surround me like the strongest Oak tree.

You give me strength.

You inspire me in ways youll never know.

You inspire me to be more than I am.

You protect me from others who might harm me, and from myself.

You offer me acceptance and forgiveness when I need it.

You share with me your wisdom.

You are my Arthur....................

My love for you is eternal.

Maya , forever and ever.

Were in Heaven..........

We walk along the winding path. I feel so alive. I feel so young. I watch him walk in front of me. I can't believe I am still capable of having that butterfly feeling in my tummy. He is so adorable. I'm so happy he's out here with me today. I told him I just wanted to go on a short walk down a secluded path today................secretly hoping I could convince him to go all the way down to the waterfalls with me. As we walked along farther and farther, I became excited at the possibility of finding the perfect spot to sit with him...........and talk............and for him to caress the side of my cheek with his loving hands..............and to feel his sweet lips touch mine.

The sun is warm on my body. It is hot and very humid. At times I feel the gentle touch of a cool breeze caress my entire body. He agrees to walk along the path further and further...........going downhill towards the stream. I feel he wants to go there with me as much as I want to go with him.

Finally we are at the bottom of the ravine. And its just as beautiful as I thought it would be.

We find a large tree that is tipped over . It's perfect.... I hop on it, and just like I wanted , he hops on facing me. We are both sitting with are legs straddled around the stump facing one another................and we get closer and closer until we are embracing. I feel the warm sun caress my whole body and I feel like we are one for a moment. He looks deep into my eyes, and I become lost in his. They are the deepest blue, and tell so many stories. And he kisses me..........and kisses me. And I'm in heaven. I feel like I'm 16 again. I feel alive. I feel so many things I don't even think there are words for......................I feel like crying I am so at peace at this moment.

I hear the sound of the stream and the waterfall in the background, and all the other sounds in the woods. I feel like I'm at home. Why have I waiting so long to return to her? Maybe I wasn't ready to come home yet....................but now I'm here.

She is always here waiting for me with her arms open, shining her warmth apon me. I can bring him here with me again and again to experience this love. I am so lucky right now. If I died I would take so much love with me. Some people never find this contentment in their whole lifetime. I have found a soulmate in him. I have reconnected with an eternal friend. I am with my lover in the forest...........................and for a short while, I am in heaven.

Maya xoxoxoxo

My Forest of dreams......................

I was just sitting trying to think of a title for this chapter, before I even started to write. Sometimes I'll do that, but not today. I have so many things on my mind today I want to get out to express to you, but don't seem to know where to start. So, I'll just let my thoughts flow out and see what happens.

Well, I'll start my talking about my new passion..........Hiking. I've been feeling drawn to the outdoors lately, wanting to be surrounded by mother nature herself. I've been going on small excursions on local trails and the energy I've been receiving from being embraced by the living forest is amazing. I feel closer to the source of all than ever before there. For me, that is where she dwells.........the great mother of all, the goddess.

I've also indulged in my photography, taking pictures of anything that catches my eye. And pictures of myself as I feel I'm somewhat changing physically as I'm emotionally and spiritually growing, and want to share these changes in with you .

Coincidentially, I have close friends in my life that enjoy the outdoors as well, and have been more than enthusiastic to go on my mini adventures with me lately. I've also found that I've been given the free time to do my walks lately. Like all the pieces are coming together. It's the law of universal attraction in action..........reinforcing to me once again that I am creating this life moment by moment with my thoughts.

I have found my passions in life now and I'm creating ways to fufill them. I'm a writer. That is who I am. I am creating my life to fit that picture of myself. I have so much to share with you, and I will do just that. I will take my journals deep into the forest on the trails and write to you. I will connect with myself on the deepest level. I will discover so many things..........................and I will continue to share everything I am with you.

Always, Maya xoxoxoxox