I've had a chance to reflect on everything I felt yesterday. I have to accept that my feelings are valid and real. I know it is impossible to dismiss them.
I actually shared my journal with Jim last evening and he seriously shared his feelings on the situation I'm in, and also what his boundries are. If I'm to be honest, Jim actually suggested us parting if that is what I truely wanted.......
You see, that is not what I want at all. Maybe I just need him to express his boundries to me more often...maybe I need him to help me keep my priorities and feelings in balance.
I even suggested to him that I retreat and give up my other 'love', and just concentrate on the two of us, but that is not what he feels will solve things. He feels that it's because of the freedom of our relationship that I have become the person that I am. He feels that my only problem is that I tend to give to much of myself to others, thereby causing myself grief, and also disturbing the delicate balance of our life. I need to give the most of my love and attention to my life here. I can care deeply for another, but only if it does not disturb the balance with Jim. If the balance is disturbed, then it puts everything we have built together at risk................ and that is something I'd never want to do.
I feel so much better today since we talked about everything. We have no secrets, and I want to keep it that way. He knows how deep my feelings are for my special friend and says he is genuinely alright with it as long as I can keep things in perspective. That perspective being that my life is here with Jim and the children, and my loyalties lie with them.
We both agreed that giving up my other relationship is not going to solve anything, because feelings will not just disappear......What I must do is find a special place in my heart that is just for my special friend. But I must not let it overshadow the rest of my life that I have created here. So I think its balance that I must work on. I never intended to connect with another person the way I have with my friend, and so I am on uncharted waters with my emotions and how to fit into his life, and how he should fit into mine. The one thing I know is that I don't want him to leave my life........it would be a loss that would be so hard to bear because I truely believe he is one of my soulmates in this life.
So Today, I'm looking at the wonderful life that I have created with my Jim. I have perhaps taken my freedoms for granted...and I'm so sorry. I hope that when Jim reads this he realizes that he will always be my King................. for Without him, there is no Camelot.
...........Theres no love, like your love.
Maya
